Who ate my macaroni?

Nicholas Zharkikh

Dialogue from the near future

It takes place in the former city, and now the village Nizhny Tagil in the Urals.

Son

Daddy, and what is it toilet?

Father

This is such a device to defecate.

Son

So, how do we go to defecate in the cold, in a snowy field?

Father

No, you can defecate with it in the heat without leaving home.

Son

Oh how nice! And why don’t we have it, let’s get it!

Father

Son, our homeland – Great Russia – is surrounded on all sides by enemies. And one day the vile Americans came and took away all the toilets so that they could be comfortable. In addition, sanctions were imposed, the import of toilets to our Great Russia was banned.

Son

And so what tomato? I heard it could be squashed by bulldozer.

Father

Well, this vegetable is said to be very tasty.

Son

Did you eat it?

Father

No, once seen in the picture.

Son

But if it is a vegetable, then it can probably be grown? Let’s grow them!

Father

Yes, on imported land, from imported seeds, with imported fertilizers – all of which are forbidden to import. And in addition, you need imported wooden pegs to tie the plants with imported ribbons.

Son

But at least we can chop the pegs ourselves?

Father

Let’s see how you sharp while look at you from the side! There lies a stone ax, go to the forest and chop, and I’ll see. And look at me, mutilate the ax – I’ll beat down!

Son

But it is so stupid!

Father

So, damn Americans banned the import of stone axes, where do I get you a sharp? And the one that is, with trouble dug in the garden. This, son, is a product from the Neolithic, New Stone Age. It is probably five thousand years old. See how well polished? I can’t do that.

Son

Dad, why are Uncle Dmitry and Uncle Peter fighting so hard?

Father

But you see, Dmytro has a pile of shit in the yard, on which quince grows well. And Peter does not have such a heap, and nothing grows. And so Dmitry plucked the last sprig of quinoa to eat himself, and Peter is jealous that his neighbor is so luxurious. Well, and fight.

Son

But quinoa itself grows, should it be enough for everyone?

Father

But I tell you – they ate the last twig before it ripened and spread the seeds. All in all, there will be no more quinoa, because the evil imperialists have banned the import of quinoa seeds to Great Russia.

Son

Is it true that once in our glorious and powerful Great Russia they ate bread and neglected quinoa?

Father

And they say that was once the case. But now the damned khakhli, Bandera people, do not want to give us, their brothers, even crusts of bread. How many times have we tried to free them, so that they too have a quiver, and they are ungrateful! – they don’t even give us crumbs.

Son

So we freed them? And what happened?

Father

I don’t know, son, no one has returned from there yet. But it doesn’t matter. The main thing, son, remember: Great Russia is the most powerful and happiest country in the world. All our enemies envy us and are even more afraid of us. Think for yourself – no one in the whole world goes to defecate in a snowy field, and we – go! Everyone is jealous of us, but they are afraid to do so. Nobody in the whole world wears bast shoes, and we – wears! Enemies are surprised, but they are afraid of bast shoes. No one in the whole world is fighting with stone axes, and we are fighting and always defeating everyone! That is why the enemies ban the import of stone axes to Great Russia!

Son

Dad, I understand all this, but who ate my macaroni?

The curtain falls.

March 16, 2022 in Kyiv.