Final strike

Nicholas Zharkikh

Farce in one act

Actors

Putin – a clown who plays the role of himself, that is, the president of Russia.

Shoigu – former reindeer herder, now minister.

Zolotov – Chekist and chief of guard.

Peskov – once a student left for the second year for failure, and now – a press secretary.

It is taking place at current time in the president’s office in the Kremlin. In the middle – a large table the width of a football field, completely empty.

Scene 1

Putin

(looks at the globe, then takes a tape measure and measures something on it)

Well, not so far from Moscow to Washington – about seventy centimeters. And why fight for this misery for the third month? Shoigu!

Shoigu

(greedily jumps into the office)

Here!

Putin

(dissatisfied)

Well, what customs! Here, here… Are you an army general or a reindeer herder?

(Shoigu opens his mouth, but Putin continues)

Report: Washington captured?

Shoigu

We are preparing to attack him. We are concentrating our forces, transferring two more battalion groups. We are already shelling New York…

Putin

New York? What did you shoot him with?

Shoigu

Hail, the forces of the first army corps DNR. [Grad (heil) – the name of one of the volley fire systems. DNR – «Donetsk People's Republic».]

Putin

Okay, but the Hail is only shoots twenty kilometers away, is that how you’re going to destroy all of New York?

Shoigu

We, Dim Dimych, with all… [slang colloquialism from full Vladimir Vladimirovich]

Putin

(does not listen)

That’s what I thought: shouldn’t we end this war with one decisive blow, huh? How zhakhnem with our megatons in that America – and the war is over. [zhakhnem – slang verb, means "to hit, to strike"]

Shoigu

(pretends not to understand)

Are we terrified? That is, we will cause horror, twist the fig?

Putin

Well, shandarahnemo or babahnemo, if you have better understand. [shandarahnemo, babahnemo – another slang verbs, means the same "to hit, to strike"] By the way, where’s my red button? Was ite somewhere here on the table?

Shoigu

But we removed it so that Kabayeva would not press it sometimes. She is a whimsical person, likes to palp different things unnecessarily…

Putin

Well, so go and press this red button. Do you have it somewhere?

Shoigu

(pushes his ear away with his hand and pretends to be hard of hearing, but not very convincing)

Huh?.. How?.. Drums also play very well…

Putin

Are you going to play stupid to me?

Shoigu

Oh, Dim Dimych, let me report to you! You just never saw how I can play stupid, that’s why you think so. And I’m not playing, I just heard bad… That’s if you me… something like him…

(leads in the air with his hand, as if writing)

… write on a piece of paper, then I would understand everything at once.

Putin

A written order? On a nuclear strike? To you? Why? Is my word not enough for you?

Shoigu

Well, when I’m asked, "Why did you, Shoigu, start a nuclear war?" – And I will say: "I am a simple reindeer herder, I do not understand anything, I received a written order – and did. And the one who ordered is to blame for everything, I just obeyed."

Putin

Ah you son of a bitch! Zolotov!

Scene 2

Zolotov enters slowly and as a porter, but after assessing the situation, he straightens up and clicks his heels.

Zolotov

Knight of the Order of Kadyrov, General of the Army Zolotov on your orders appeared!

Putin

(to Shoigu)

Do you see how to report? Without any "here".

(to Zolotov)

Are you, Zolotov, ready to do what is necessary to save Russia?

Zolotov

Sure!

Putin

Ready to carry out my order?

Zolotov

Sure!

Putin

Ready to do any my order?

Zolotov

Sure!

Putin

So go get your gun and shoot me this…

(points to Shoigu)

… loser, reindeer herder.

Zolotov

(without blinking)

What do you say? Trakhnut?.. [trakhnut – brutal slang verb, means "to beat, to strike" and also "to fuck"] Who to trakhnut?.. Kabayeva?.. So right on the head? – Well, with great pleasure! I can even do it on encore!

Putin

And you’re to writhe a fool?

Zolotov

(just as calmly, shows his hand in the air as writing)

You, Mr. President, give me a written order so that I do not confuse anything. Old man, I’m starting to forget everything. I won’t fuck the wrong whore, and then I’ll be guilty myself.

Putin

(foams with anger)

Well!.. You!…

Zolotov

(just as calmly)

But you, Mr. President, don’t even have to worry. You have a secretary, this is Pesok, he will write you everything [Pesok (sand) – slang form of the proper surname Peskov]. Only the outgoing number from the presidential administration should be set and the date.

Scene 3

Putin returns angrily and walks under the office window. Shoigu and Zolotov talk in the foreground of the scene.

Zolotov

And our father-king also grew old. He has already become ill. They say he has sarcoma…

Shoigu

… And glaucoma…

Zolotov

… And podagra (gout)…

Shoigu

… And hiragra…

Zolotov

… And leukemia…

Shoigu

… And uremia…

Zolotov

But the worst thing is that our king has been replaced. The double is released instead. Didn’t you see that he was wearing a bald wig with a fold on his forehead?

Shoigu

(jumps up)

How was it replaced? Who? Who could do that?

Zolotov

Who, who… Boyars. Vekselberg with Rothenberg. But they are only performers, and everything is planned …

(raises his finger in a sign of the highest secret)

… by Khokhly! [Khokhol (sing.), Khokhly (pl.) – brutal slang name of Ukrainians in Russian]

Shoigu

Are you lying?

Zolotov

Not once. Gennady Tymchenko is a certain Khokhol! And Oleg Deripaska? But it is impossible to invent a more Khokhol surname!

Shoigu

And I thought they were "Russians"…

Zolotov

And what do you know there in your Transbaikalia! To you that Zuckertort, that Zakryvydoroga, that Ibrahim-bek Hussein-zade – all "Russians". The Khokhly only pretend to be fools, but in reality they are prudent, far-sighted and ruthless. And every time puts Jews ahead, and they rejoice that they rule the world. They rule – on the orders of the Khokhly.

Shoigu

Well, it can’t be. When I was in Luhansk…

Zolotov

Talk more! They even chose a Jew named Zelensky as their president, so that he, like a real clown, would promise to fall to his knees before ours. Well, ours believed and envied now:

I look at the Zelensky

And I think:

Why am I not a clown,

Why don’t I jump?

[transformed words from the famous song «» by Mykhajlo Petrenko.]

He even started a war to help the clown fall to his knees – and the Khokhly only needed that.

Shoigu

(looks at Zolotov with suspicion)

And you, I see, are already bridging the bridges to the Khokhly? Are you already studying Khokhol poems?

Zolotov

(just as calmly)

I hear from the same. Well, how do you, Transbaikalian reindeer herder, know that these poems are Khokhol poems? Or are you yourself?

Shoigu

Whether in Moscow or in Ukraine

They will say me stay -

It is necessary everywhere, good people,

Have some friends.

[transformed words from the poem «» by Stepan Rudansky.]

Scene 4

Putin is finally approaching.

Putin

Okay, I’ll weigh everything and give further instructions. So far you are free.

Shoigu and Zolotov go out, jokingly pushing each other’s fists to the side.

Putin

It is so difficult to lead Russia to a bright future

Through the mists of evil,

Through of the great grief…

[First words from the poem «» by Lesja Ukrainka.]

And I can’t shoot these villains myself, because it will be too straightforward. They will also say: "Putin is a murderer." And I have never killed anyone with my own hands. Where to find faithful people?..

(shouts loudly)

Pesok!

Peskov

(enters and bows politely, but looks weak and tired)

What can I serve, Vladimir Vladimirovich?

Putin

Why so sad? Smoked koks again? [koks (coke) – slang word meaning "cocaine"]

Peskov

No, Vladimir Vladimirovich. I haven’t smoked for two weeks. We haven’t it anymore. As the last party from Argentina, these damned Estonians intercepted – no more.

Putin

And you can’t replace imports with domestic products?

Peskov

Tried. We tried to smoke wheat flour, because it is also white – no, not the taste and not the strength. Then we tried crushed chalk – it doesn’t want to burn, damn it.

Putin

What are you talking about? We have our own coke production – oh my! There is a "Moskoks" plant in Moscow itself, and you don’t have to go far.

Peskov

And we ordered from there. But it’s all kind of black and burns wildly. Someone He tried to smoke it in the Space Flight Control Center – so the whole Center burned down.

Putin

Well, don’t worry. Tell me better, do you have a gun?

Peskov

(comes to life)

Of course! This is the one from which Adolf Hitler shot himself. Yes, on the spot. And clean it and lubricate it regularly. And there is one cartridge in the store – as it should be. It only remains to remove it from the fuse, send the charge to the breech – and…

Putin

Is everything so simple?

Peskov

(with elevation)

And here, in the State Armory, there is a snuffbox. A golden one. This is the one that… as it should be, I can go, I will be given… for temporary use…

Putin

(ironically)

And in what kind of troops are snuffboxes in service?

Peskov

Leontiy Bennigsen was a general of the cavalry. Well, other generals…

(inspects the table for a replacement for the imported gold snuffbox, but the table, as mentioned above, is completely empty. If there is no gun hanging on the wall at the beginning of the play, it means that no one will be killed in the end. This is a farce, not tragedy.)

Putin

(fiercely)

Get away from me, you, serpent of Israel!

Peskov hurries away.

Here you have a decisive blow! With snuffbox…

The curtain goes down.

In Kyiv, May 10-11, 2022